Help! I need somebody, Help! I want to moan my head off to somebody

In this dangerous, modern and ever changing world in which we live in (thanks Paul), there are a myriad of situations that can both confuse and annoy us. These can be simple issues such as the weather, noisy neighbours and goats in your washing machine. However they can be complicated wider ranging problems such as failing public services, nationwide riots or the internet being covered in Shreddies (mmmmmmmmm, Shreddies).
It's good to know however that there are a new breed of super heroes working to allay our fears and bring order to our hectic lives. These people are often maligned and ridiculed and condemned to spend their days in office purgatory. To you and I these people are customer service staff. They often deal with pleasant customers who are pleased with their chosen service and consider kindness to be a virtue.
However there are a plethora of customers whose main role in life is to torture, abuse and on some occasions send exploding yoghurts in the post. They seek out customer service staff like predators in the wild and launch wave after wave of nonsensical tirades at their chosen targets.
In the spring of 1986 the British government decided to honour the hard working customer service staff. They proclaimed 19th May thereafter to be St Forsyth's Day. This was named after Brucington Forsyth who established the first ever customer service call centre in 1389.
This was done in response to the most evil complaint ever made and one which until now remained confidential to the British public.
In February 1982 a mild mannered customer service worker by the name of Jesby Johnson was working at the REMIND (Reporting Escaped Monkeys In North Devon) call centre. At 09:48 approximately he took a call from a Mr Lennie Wilson-Tuft. Mr Wilson-Tuft was seething. He woke up that morning to find a chimpanzee had came in through the bathroom window and proceeded to take photographs of his wife ironing his golf balls. Jesby Johnson proceeded to inform Mr Wilson-Tuft that he had contacted the wrong call centre. Jesby stated that in fact he should have called RECLAIMED (Reporting Escaped Chimpanzees and Lost Apes In Mid-East Devon. Mr Wilson-Tuft was perturbed to say the least. He explained that he'd been kept in a queue for 4 seconds and he had previously tried to enter his details on the REMIND website (which would not be set up for another 24 years). Upon discovering this obvious lie by Mr Wilson-Tuft, Jesby gave him the telephone number for RECLAIMED and said there was nothing else he could do. Mr Wilson-Tuft responded by squirting strawberry jam down the phone line which completely flooded the REMIND call centre. This caused £909 worth of damage and made 3 staff redundant.
Mr Wilson-Tuft was arrested and charged with criminal jamage and sentenced to 83 years in prison.

This episode proves the point that customer service staff are not given the praise they often deserve, especially in call centres (not necessarily those that deal with misplaced primates).


*If you know of anyone possibly involved with this incident or you know the whereabouts of the missing chimpanzee, don't do anything beacuse it is all sorted now.

There's a star destroyer waiting in the sky...

In space no one can eat ice-cream...

Science fiction is possibly the greatest literary and filmic invention since giraffe musicals. There have been a plethora of sci-fi franchises that have generated millions upon millions for the film industry (Star Wars, Alien, Terminator and Robot Teapot Salesman). These wonderous stories enable the viewer to escape the humdrum of daily life and immerse themselves in the realms of fantasy. The storytellers that allow their brains to conceive these ideas have been claimed as icons by the fans. These fans often devote themselves to their favourite sci-fi franchise and believe they are in fact an integral cog in the worlds in which their characters exist. Merchandise is also produced to tie-in with the films and can reap huge amounts of extra income for the producers and/or rights owners. T-shirts, coffee mugs, toys and chicken typewriters have all been proved to be huge sellers in fandom.

One line of sci-fi merchandise has proven to be so succesful that most genres have picked up on the idea and adapted it to suit their own market of teenagers that are gullible and prone to a myriad number of strops.

Star Wars, probably the leading contender for amount of income generated through merchandise produced the most innovative and durable toys of this and many generations. Upon release of the DVD box set of the original trilogy (A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi) George Lucas* stumbled upon an amazing idea. Whilst surveying the copious amount of unused footage he came upon a scene that was to prove integral to the trilogy's climactic Battle Of Endor. Lucas had originally filmed a scene in which Han Solo and Chewbacca opened a marshmallow (mmmmmmmmm marshmallow) business on the Death Star to confuse the Emperor who was unaware of the strict Fluffy Pillow Like Sweet Law 109BY (BY =Before the Battle of Yavin)in place at that time that had never been repealed. Suffice to say Lucas made an absolute mint on Star Wars marshmallows that he licenced to various droids within the Eastbourne area.
Thus was born the era of heavy film merchandising. I hope you too can learn from this and eat more marshmallows.

*George Lucas is in no way connected to this blog. Boba Fett was but due to a severe bout of couscous he is currently unwell.


If you wish to purchase marsmallow online please visit your nearest branch of Halfords

We're all going on a strange holiday

Holidays can sometimes evoke wonderful memories in the minds of adults. Reflecting on hazy summer days spent building sandcastles, paddling in the sea, eating ice-cream (mmmmmmmmm, ice-cream) or contemplating the clockwork mechanism that propels Jim Bowen and his special prize speedboat. Such memories can often be warped through the rose-tinted spectacles of nostalgia. This can lead to disappointment when revisiting locations frequented as a child.

A couple of years ago I decided to partake in this look back in time and visit a place I often went to on holiday, Havenby-on-Sea*. Havenby-on-Sea was located exactly halfway between Hayling Island and the Isle Of Wight. It was advertised as pretty, tranquil village that became a bustling mecca of family holidaymakers during the summer months. Golden beaches of what seemed to be neverending miles of sandcastle building potential and relaxing nightlife where families could enjoy Bingo, amusements, holiday souvenir shops and frozen safari animals soaked in Corona Cherryade. All of this was wonderful when experienced as a young child in the 1980's. However times change and nothing ever stays the same. Upon driving into Havenby-on-Sea I was immediately drawn to the dilapidated beach-huts that bookended the small pleasure park on the seafront. These were once a multi-coloured row of daytime dwellings for sun-seeking families who frequented the beach and pleasure park. In the present they had become a symbol for 'Broken Britain', unkempt, vacant and vandalised. An almost uncanny resemblance to this once proud nation. The pleasure park was just a collection of small carriage rides and a bumper car arena that had obviously seen better days. As I carried on driving into the village I saw closed down pubs, grime ridden fish and chip shops and caravan parks that almost resembled the aftermath of a Destruction Derby. It was a sad day and I have to admit I shed a tear upon passing the sign that said 'You Are Now Leaving Havenby-on-Sea'. As I stopped the car to afford myself one last glimpse of the village something strange began to happen. The ground beneath me began to shudder and shake. An almighty roar emanated from the road that sounded like a rift in time had opened up. The road and surrounding grassy areas proceeded to crack and the earth began to shake more violently. The village of Haveby-on-Sea was immediately covered in a thin mist and then ripped itself apart from its surroundings. The village turned 9 times and then floated dreamlike off into the sea where it stopped for a brief moment as if to preserve what energy it had left, and then shot faster than the speed of light straight into the sky. I was astounded at this apparent miraculous event. It transpires that I witnessed a Seismic-vacational-perma-vacational Movement. This occurs when places visited as a child on holiday, that now have fallen into various states of neglect decide they've had enough and relocate to a better place. In this place they are exactly how you remember them to be in what was their heyday.
If you ever decide to visit an old childhood holiday haunt and it's not what it once was, remember that it may just be waiting to move someplace where it can relive former glories. In your mind.

*Havenby-on-Sea is a pseudonym used to protect the identity of the real Havenby-on-Sea.
If you have experienced anything you have read in this story please contact The Orangeade Monkey Lifeguard Association for free tickets.

Saturday Morning's Alright For Kids TV (well it used to be anyway)

A long time ago in a galaxy which is exactly where it is now................


We all know that children's television programmes are not what they used to be. The days when we all used to be entertained by Rainbow, Wacaday, You And Me, No.73 etc etc are long gone. Children of the present are more likely to be found watching televisual feasts such as iCarly, Handy Manny, Tracy Beaker and Ben The Chavmaster's Adventures Outside The Realm Of His Dilapidated Block Of Flats.
Saturday mornings used to be a haven of entertainment that allowed us to escape from the educational montage of weekday dreariness. These shows transfixed our eyes and minds and were fun with minimal violence (which when seen, was depicted in a cartoonish fashion, which is ok!)
Back in 1985 primary school teachers Ronald Bunt and Jackie Whemp had a fantastic idea for a kids tv show. It was a quiz based on the centuries old Top 40 Singles Chart. The basic premise was simple beyond belief. It involved 2 teams of 4 children (ages 9-14) answering questions on the 'pop charts' in various Central African dialects whilst using their feet to construct 8 feet tall prisms (made from varying sizes of perspex) to depict different battles of the English Civil War. The winning teams were rewarded with prizes such as the latest home computer, televisions, VHS players, Wimpy vouchers or Opal Fruits (mmmmmmmmm Opal Fruits, made to make your mouth water no less). Despite this idea being straightforward and easy to understand for children, no TV company wanted to run with it. London Weekend Television were the last to be contacted and head of children's programming Linda Marzipan-Smith seemed keen. Negotiations took place between all parties and the idea was later used to create what became known as 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. For varying reasons ITV has now become a bastion of drab reality shows.
This has been a sad decline, but maybe one day some 'rebel scum' will take it upon themselves to make kids TV great again and let it soar up above the streets and houses where the Rainbow is flying high.



* If you are deeply distressed at the state of modern kids TV and would like to complain vigorously about it, please write to: Monsieur Tambu Divumba
Zambian Regional Weekend Childrens TV
Degrassi Street
Lusaka
Zambia
PO Box 909

War, ugh! What is it good for? Absolutely chip shops.

One of the unfortunate side effects of being human, is having the capacity to fight. While some have the strength and love contained within their hearts to withstand this urge, some people cannot help but succumb to rage. Whether they fight for their religion, race, football team, nuclear weapons or Timmy Mallett, the outcome nevertheless always ends in hurt for one or both sides of the conflict. Throughout history, war has been interwoven into the fabric of society and painted the tapestry of life with crimson red too many times. However there was one war which despite the possible fatalities resulted in happiness and joy throughout the land.

The story begins in 1497. A dressing gown salesman by the name of Thomas De Montymole was travelling from his home in Surrey to what was then the small village of Brighton-On-Sea. De Montymole planned to visit several local hostelries to sell his homegrown dressing gowns. He entered a small inn on the seafront called 'The Fraggle Catchers Arms' (no use trying to find it, it was burnt down in 1709 and replaced by a fudge (mmmmmmmmm fudge) shop). He approached the innkeeper and demanded that he purchase a dozen dressing gowns. The innkeeper was highly perturbed and proceeded to escort De Montymole from the premises. De Montymole was equally perturbed and set abot arranging what he called a 'revengeful attack on dressing gown disbelieving folk'. De Montymole obtained a loan of £1700 to set up a dressing gown shop opposite the 'The Fraggle Catchers Arms'. After 6 months the shop had opened for business. From the vantage point of his shops upstairs stock room window De Montymole would launch dressing gowns over the roof of the opposite inn and into the garden and hitting unwitting drinkers. The first 'victim' was a local website designer by the name of Frederick Opalfruit, who spilt his pewter tankard of ale over his laptop. Twenty minutes later and the next dressing gown was fired. As planned this flew over the rooftop and was heading for the bench located in the north-east corner. There was sat a local songwriter, Edward Gameshow. Gameshow had just been presented with a potato he ordered as a snack by the barmaid. As Gameshow picked up the potato for his first bite the aforementioned dressing gown knocked the potato out of his hand and sent it crashing to the floor. On inspecting the damage, Gameshow noticed that the potato had been cut into twelve 'strips'. As he was still hungry he proceeded to eat the 'strips' and noticed that they tasted gorgeous. What had happened was a packet of vinegar in one pocket and salt in the other pocket of the dressing gown had exploded on impact with the potato and had 'flavoured' the snack. Gameshow went immediately into the inn and demanded to know what had happened. The innkeeper proceeded to explain the feud with De Montymole and was angry at suggestions he instigated this 'war'. Gameeshow left the inn and crossed the street to the dressing gown shop to confront De Montymole. Gameshow was impressed with De Montymole's establishment and reasons behind the conflict but was equally taken with the wonderful inn he often frequented. Gameshow showed de Montymole what had happened to his potato snack and De Montymole struck upon the idea to mass produce what he called 'Dressing Gown Potato Strips'. Fortunately this name didn't stick and De Montymole and Gameshow opened the first 'Potato Chip Snack Bar' in place of the dressing gown shop 12 months later. Subsequently it did a roaring trade as patrons of the inn who had finished their days drinking left and proceeded across the street to order their snacks. Thus was born what has become a tradition of eating 'fast food' after considerable alcohol consumption.

Now Be Thankful.


If you or someone that you know has been involved in a conflict involving a snack and a comfortable item of clothing please contact www.garlicslippersinmysocks.org for information that does not make sense.

While My Giraffe Gently Weeps

There are a plethora of musicians that still continue to sell bucketloads of albums from beyond the grave. Johnny Cash, John Lennon, Buddy Holly, Elvis Presley and Jimmy ‘Nine Legged Bingo Ball Machine’ Wilson being famous examples. There has been some material in the form of demo recordings or early takes that have been overdubbed to give a complete studio recording effect. The majority of these releases however have been the repackaging of the respective artists back catalogue, whether in the form of album reissues/remasters or ‘Greatest Hits/Best Ofs’. These releases have often proved lucrative for the artist’s family and/or record company and generally find their way into shops as some form of anniversary for the artist or seasonal releases at Christmas, Easter, and St Dickie Davies’ Day.
This brings me to my next story...............

Whilst out shopping for chocolates (Mmmmmmmmm, chocolates) in a nearby village I decided to peruse a couple of the charity shops situated there. Often one can find a bargain amongst the record racks and pick up rare or ‘forgotten classics’ for what can amount to no more than a couple of quid. Whilst searching through one of these aforementioned record racks I stumbled across a rather perplexing piece of vinyl. It appeared to be an LP but in a plain white sleeve. Me being me thought this could have been The Beatles ‘White Album’. I picked it up from the rack and found that it had no markings whatsoever on the sleeve save for a line of text on the back cover. The text read ‘Demo Recordings 09/05/1917’. I was immediately intrigued. What did this piece of vinyl contain? Were the recordings of a good quality (seen as they were purported to be recorded over 90 years ago)? What were they recordings of? These questions pulsed through my cerebral cortex so I rushed to the counter and handed it over to the elderly lady serving there. She stated that the price was £1.99 and I proceeded to hand over my money. She then asked if I wanted a carrier bag. When I declined, she asked if there would be any ‘tangerine spaceships firing strawberry fudge lasers at the Baked Bean’s Hotel’? Confused I ran out the shop as she spontaneously combusted in a shower of Tooty Frooties and limeade. Once I returned home I took the vinyl from the sleeve and placed it onto the turntable in anticipation as to what I would hear. The sound was obviously ‘scratchy and hissing’ but rather good for a 90 year old piece of history withering away in a side street ye olde charity shop. The first sound was the voice of a gentlemen announcing that this was ‘the sounds of The Reginald Funge Orchestra. This is the Animal Album. Enjoy’. What then followed were 14 songs dedicated to various animals and what happened when encountered by Reginald Funge in 1917. I immediately thought that this album needs to be brought to the attention of everybody in the world. After 6 months of various meetings, EMI were more than happy for the recordings to be ‘cleaned up’ and released to the general public. I am overjoyed to announce that they will be released this summer by EMI on the Parlophone label. I hope that when it is available you will buy and listen to this album and decide forevermore that Reginald Funge is the past, present, future and future future of music.


Track listing

1. My Horse The Microwave
2. Ostrich In My Slippers
3. The Platypus E-mail Disaster 1981
4. She’s A Zebra On Toast
5. Giraffe With Me On A Friday Evening
6. The World Shaped Badger
7. Travelling On A Mars Bar With My Third Cousin’s Hippopotamus
8. The Gerbil In The VCR
9. The Ballad Of The Octopus Pizza Delivery Robots
10. Dishwasher Seagull
11. Operating Your Mechanical Cassowary
12. Gazelle’s Aloud
13. Koala Bear Eats Mobile Phone/Penguins And The Toothbrush/Rhinoceros Ciabatta/Verbose Panda (Medley)
14. And The Radio Plays Marmoset Gravy



*for information on where to purchase ‘The Animal Album by The Reginald Funge Orchestra’ please visit www.toclafaneinmysoup.co.uk for details on how to make Doctor Who characters from Weetabix.

Football's coming home........ in a manner you could never imagine

After a wait of 4 years the World Cup will return this summer. As you may or may not know it will be held in South Africa. Whether or not this was a wise decision on the part of FIFA remains to be seen. However, it remains to be seen whether or not the Octopus Police Department can handle fans from the visiting 31 countries. With eight tentacles each they should be able to cope much better than the Giraffe Flying Squad of 2006. As with all previous tournaments planning has been absolutely meticulous. This involves organising accommodation for fans, stadia to host the matches, upside down pancake calculators, fixing match results and Coca-Cola advertising. Personally I’ve been looking forward to this tournament and can’t wait to see England in action.

Whilst out shopping for sweets (mmmmmmmmm, sweets), *I happened upon a WHSmith carrier bag containing a laptop. I took the laptop home in order for me to hand it over to the police the following day. Growing ever intrigued that evening at the contents of the laptop, I curiously switched it on. Amongst the items to appear on the screen was an icon with the description of ‘South Africa 2010 World Cup Results’. I was mystified to say the least. Did the owner of the laptop prepare a World Cup wallchart to plot the results from the tournament? Was it just the owners predictions of what exciting games lay ahead? Actually it was none of these. To my astonishment this document purported to be instructions for ‘officials’ to ensure the results stated within were to happen in the actual matches. I could not believe my eyes. I had to cease drinking my banana Yazoo milkshake for fear of choking. I studied the results further and it would seem they intended on England winning the tournament. Whilst this would indeed be a most fantastic World Cup, I would not want it to occur in the manner laid out in this document. Shocked, I jumped in my car and headed to the local police station. I handed over the aforementioned laptop before briefly describing the contents to the custody sergeant. He too was astounded and proceeded to faint onto his tray of jam doughnuts and cup of tea. I returned home and am now eagerly anticipating what will no doubt be an interesting World Cup. Below I have included ‘results’ as they were depicted in the bizarre document. Instructions given to the ‘officials’ are in parentheses.


Last 16

France 2-0 Nigeria (ostrich newspapers to be awarded first half penalty)
England 3-1 Serbia (Jelly fire engines at each corner flag)
Netherlands 4-1 Paraguay (inside out grapefruit juice on goal line in first 15 mins)
Brazil 2-0 Switzerland (tube of Smarties ruled offside 3 times)
Argentina 1-2 Mexico (omelettes on the crossbar)
Germany 2-0 USA (giant zebra breathes fire on USA free-kick)
Italy 2-2 Denmark (Denmark win 5-4 on penalties) (Arthur Mushroom wears apron for extra time)
Spain 1-2 Ivory Coast (blancmange monster at centre back to be sent off)

Quarter Finals

France 1-2 England (Argos vouchers kick off)
Netherlands 2-0 Brazil (Des O’Connor handball from cheeseburger stall)
Mexico 1-3 Germany (disputed Quality Street tin containing ITV News)
Denmark 2-3 Spain (UFO explodes during Mexican wave to incur 5 mins injury time)

Semi Finals

England 1-0 Netherlands (last minute Pic ‘N’ Mix scoop in 6 yard box)
Germany 2-4 Spain (fruit machines dispensing crunchy shampoo)

3rd/4th place play-off

Netherlands 2-1 Germany (Smurfs on The Krypton Factor)

Final

England 2-1 Spain (Strawberry and onion quiche inside football leaks causing the centre circle to sing Sesame Street theme tune)


Do you believe this is some strange conspiracy to allow Fabio’s England to become world champions? Or is this all just a packet of Dolly Mixtures?


[*]. events from this point may or may not be fictional. If you or anyone you know are deeply affected by any of these events please visit www.cowsplayingsnookeronice.co.uk for absolutely no help whatsoever.