War, ugh! What is it good for? Absolutely chip shops.

One of the unfortunate side effects of being human, is having the capacity to fight. While some have the strength and love contained within their hearts to withstand this urge, some people cannot help but succumb to rage. Whether they fight for their religion, race, football team, nuclear weapons or Timmy Mallett, the outcome nevertheless always ends in hurt for one or both sides of the conflict. Throughout history, war has been interwoven into the fabric of society and painted the tapestry of life with crimson red too many times. However there was one war which despite the possible fatalities resulted in happiness and joy throughout the land.

The story begins in 1497. A dressing gown salesman by the name of Thomas De Montymole was travelling from his home in Surrey to what was then the small village of Brighton-On-Sea. De Montymole planned to visit several local hostelries to sell his homegrown dressing gowns. He entered a small inn on the seafront called 'The Fraggle Catchers Arms' (no use trying to find it, it was burnt down in 1709 and replaced by a fudge (mmmmmmmmm fudge) shop). He approached the innkeeper and demanded that he purchase a dozen dressing gowns. The innkeeper was highly perturbed and proceeded to escort De Montymole from the premises. De Montymole was equally perturbed and set abot arranging what he called a 'revengeful attack on dressing gown disbelieving folk'. De Montymole obtained a loan of £1700 to set up a dressing gown shop opposite the 'The Fraggle Catchers Arms'. After 6 months the shop had opened for business. From the vantage point of his shops upstairs stock room window De Montymole would launch dressing gowns over the roof of the opposite inn and into the garden and hitting unwitting drinkers. The first 'victim' was a local website designer by the name of Frederick Opalfruit, who spilt his pewter tankard of ale over his laptop. Twenty minutes later and the next dressing gown was fired. As planned this flew over the rooftop and was heading for the bench located in the north-east corner. There was sat a local songwriter, Edward Gameshow. Gameshow had just been presented with a potato he ordered as a snack by the barmaid. As Gameshow picked up the potato for his first bite the aforementioned dressing gown knocked the potato out of his hand and sent it crashing to the floor. On inspecting the damage, Gameshow noticed that the potato had been cut into twelve 'strips'. As he was still hungry he proceeded to eat the 'strips' and noticed that they tasted gorgeous. What had happened was a packet of vinegar in one pocket and salt in the other pocket of the dressing gown had exploded on impact with the potato and had 'flavoured' the snack. Gameshow went immediately into the inn and demanded to know what had happened. The innkeeper proceeded to explain the feud with De Montymole and was angry at suggestions he instigated this 'war'. Gameeshow left the inn and crossed the street to the dressing gown shop to confront De Montymole. Gameshow was impressed with De Montymole's establishment and reasons behind the conflict but was equally taken with the wonderful inn he often frequented. Gameshow showed de Montymole what had happened to his potato snack and De Montymole struck upon the idea to mass produce what he called 'Dressing Gown Potato Strips'. Fortunately this name didn't stick and De Montymole and Gameshow opened the first 'Potato Chip Snack Bar' in place of the dressing gown shop 12 months later. Subsequently it did a roaring trade as patrons of the inn who had finished their days drinking left and proceeded across the street to order their snacks. Thus was born what has become a tradition of eating 'fast food' after considerable alcohol consumption.

Now Be Thankful.


If you or someone that you know has been involved in a conflict involving a snack and a comfortable item of clothing please contact www.garlicslippersinmysocks.org for information that does not make sense.

While My Giraffe Gently Weeps

There are a plethora of musicians that still continue to sell bucketloads of albums from beyond the grave. Johnny Cash, John Lennon, Buddy Holly, Elvis Presley and Jimmy ‘Nine Legged Bingo Ball Machine’ Wilson being famous examples. There has been some material in the form of demo recordings or early takes that have been overdubbed to give a complete studio recording effect. The majority of these releases however have been the repackaging of the respective artists back catalogue, whether in the form of album reissues/remasters or ‘Greatest Hits/Best Ofs’. These releases have often proved lucrative for the artist’s family and/or record company and generally find their way into shops as some form of anniversary for the artist or seasonal releases at Christmas, Easter, and St Dickie Davies’ Day.
This brings me to my next story...............

Whilst out shopping for chocolates (Mmmmmmmmm, chocolates) in a nearby village I decided to peruse a couple of the charity shops situated there. Often one can find a bargain amongst the record racks and pick up rare or ‘forgotten classics’ for what can amount to no more than a couple of quid. Whilst searching through one of these aforementioned record racks I stumbled across a rather perplexing piece of vinyl. It appeared to be an LP but in a plain white sleeve. Me being me thought this could have been The Beatles ‘White Album’. I picked it up from the rack and found that it had no markings whatsoever on the sleeve save for a line of text on the back cover. The text read ‘Demo Recordings 09/05/1917’. I was immediately intrigued. What did this piece of vinyl contain? Were the recordings of a good quality (seen as they were purported to be recorded over 90 years ago)? What were they recordings of? These questions pulsed through my cerebral cortex so I rushed to the counter and handed it over to the elderly lady serving there. She stated that the price was £1.99 and I proceeded to hand over my money. She then asked if I wanted a carrier bag. When I declined, she asked if there would be any ‘tangerine spaceships firing strawberry fudge lasers at the Baked Bean’s Hotel’? Confused I ran out the shop as she spontaneously combusted in a shower of Tooty Frooties and limeade. Once I returned home I took the vinyl from the sleeve and placed it onto the turntable in anticipation as to what I would hear. The sound was obviously ‘scratchy and hissing’ but rather good for a 90 year old piece of history withering away in a side street ye olde charity shop. The first sound was the voice of a gentlemen announcing that this was ‘the sounds of The Reginald Funge Orchestra. This is the Animal Album. Enjoy’. What then followed were 14 songs dedicated to various animals and what happened when encountered by Reginald Funge in 1917. I immediately thought that this album needs to be brought to the attention of everybody in the world. After 6 months of various meetings, EMI were more than happy for the recordings to be ‘cleaned up’ and released to the general public. I am overjoyed to announce that they will be released this summer by EMI on the Parlophone label. I hope that when it is available you will buy and listen to this album and decide forevermore that Reginald Funge is the past, present, future and future future of music.


Track listing

1. My Horse The Microwave
2. Ostrich In My Slippers
3. The Platypus E-mail Disaster 1981
4. She’s A Zebra On Toast
5. Giraffe With Me On A Friday Evening
6. The World Shaped Badger
7. Travelling On A Mars Bar With My Third Cousin’s Hippopotamus
8. The Gerbil In The VCR
9. The Ballad Of The Octopus Pizza Delivery Robots
10. Dishwasher Seagull
11. Operating Your Mechanical Cassowary
12. Gazelle’s Aloud
13. Koala Bear Eats Mobile Phone/Penguins And The Toothbrush/Rhinoceros Ciabatta/Verbose Panda (Medley)
14. And The Radio Plays Marmoset Gravy



*for information on where to purchase ‘The Animal Album by The Reginald Funge Orchestra’ please visit www.toclafaneinmysoup.co.uk for details on how to make Doctor Who characters from Weetabix.

Football's coming home........ in a manner you could never imagine

After a wait of 4 years the World Cup will return this summer. As you may or may not know it will be held in South Africa. Whether or not this was a wise decision on the part of FIFA remains to be seen. However, it remains to be seen whether or not the Octopus Police Department can handle fans from the visiting 31 countries. With eight tentacles each they should be able to cope much better than the Giraffe Flying Squad of 2006. As with all previous tournaments planning has been absolutely meticulous. This involves organising accommodation for fans, stadia to host the matches, upside down pancake calculators, fixing match results and Coca-Cola advertising. Personally I’ve been looking forward to this tournament and can’t wait to see England in action.

Whilst out shopping for sweets (mmmmmmmmm, sweets), *I happened upon a WHSmith carrier bag containing a laptop. I took the laptop home in order for me to hand it over to the police the following day. Growing ever intrigued that evening at the contents of the laptop, I curiously switched it on. Amongst the items to appear on the screen was an icon with the description of ‘South Africa 2010 World Cup Results’. I was mystified to say the least. Did the owner of the laptop prepare a World Cup wallchart to plot the results from the tournament? Was it just the owners predictions of what exciting games lay ahead? Actually it was none of these. To my astonishment this document purported to be instructions for ‘officials’ to ensure the results stated within were to happen in the actual matches. I could not believe my eyes. I had to cease drinking my banana Yazoo milkshake for fear of choking. I studied the results further and it would seem they intended on England winning the tournament. Whilst this would indeed be a most fantastic World Cup, I would not want it to occur in the manner laid out in this document. Shocked, I jumped in my car and headed to the local police station. I handed over the aforementioned laptop before briefly describing the contents to the custody sergeant. He too was astounded and proceeded to faint onto his tray of jam doughnuts and cup of tea. I returned home and am now eagerly anticipating what will no doubt be an interesting World Cup. Below I have included ‘results’ as they were depicted in the bizarre document. Instructions given to the ‘officials’ are in parentheses.


Last 16

France 2-0 Nigeria (ostrich newspapers to be awarded first half penalty)
England 3-1 Serbia (Jelly fire engines at each corner flag)
Netherlands 4-1 Paraguay (inside out grapefruit juice on goal line in first 15 mins)
Brazil 2-0 Switzerland (tube of Smarties ruled offside 3 times)
Argentina 1-2 Mexico (omelettes on the crossbar)
Germany 2-0 USA (giant zebra breathes fire on USA free-kick)
Italy 2-2 Denmark (Denmark win 5-4 on penalties) (Arthur Mushroom wears apron for extra time)
Spain 1-2 Ivory Coast (blancmange monster at centre back to be sent off)

Quarter Finals

France 1-2 England (Argos vouchers kick off)
Netherlands 2-0 Brazil (Des O’Connor handball from cheeseburger stall)
Mexico 1-3 Germany (disputed Quality Street tin containing ITV News)
Denmark 2-3 Spain (UFO explodes during Mexican wave to incur 5 mins injury time)

Semi Finals

England 1-0 Netherlands (last minute Pic ‘N’ Mix scoop in 6 yard box)
Germany 2-4 Spain (fruit machines dispensing crunchy shampoo)

3rd/4th place play-off

Netherlands 2-1 Germany (Smurfs on The Krypton Factor)

Final

England 2-1 Spain (Strawberry and onion quiche inside football leaks causing the centre circle to sing Sesame Street theme tune)


Do you believe this is some strange conspiracy to allow Fabio’s England to become world champions? Or is this all just a packet of Dolly Mixtures?


[*]. events from this point may or may not be fictional. If you or anyone you know are deeply affected by any of these events please visit www.cowsplayingsnookeronice.co.uk for absolutely no help whatsoever.

We are sorry for the temporary loss of programming.... Meanwhile here's some strangeness.

This may look like an ordinary BBC2 early 80's ident to you. However, what exactly would you do if it was chasing you down the street? This was the precise predicament I found myself in one night. It was daytime and I was walking to the shops to buy some sweets (mmmmmmmmm, sweets). Suddenly I started to hear a portentous thudding noise from around the corner. To my horror the aforementioned ident was floating in front of me. I looked in disbelief as it proceeded to edge it's way closer to me. I immediately turned around and ran as fast as I could to find a haven of safety. Everytime I looked back it was there ominously following me. I turned another corner to find my bizarre stalker 3 feet above me and hovering fiendishly. The end.

Of course, this was just a dream that I experienced some time ago. But, what if it was real? Would I have been consumed and then transported to a world of nightmarish landscapes where See-Saw childrens television characters reign supreme? Would Cosmo and Dibbs force me to learn about co-operation and sharing? Would Wordy relentlessly inform me that there are two "o"s in look, took and book? More importantly would Pigeon Street be completely covered in excrement? Maybe, but would you know what do when faced with the terrifying possibility of being attacked by a television ident?