Football's coming home........ in a manner you could never imagine

After a wait of 4 years the World Cup will return this summer. As you may or may not know it will be held in South Africa. Whether or not this was a wise decision on the part of FIFA remains to be seen. However, it remains to be seen whether or not the Octopus Police Department can handle fans from the visiting 31 countries. With eight tentacles each they should be able to cope much better than the Giraffe Flying Squad of 2006. As with all previous tournaments planning has been absolutely meticulous. This involves organising accommodation for fans, stadia to host the matches, upside down pancake calculators, fixing match results and Coca-Cola advertising. Personally I’ve been looking forward to this tournament and can’t wait to see England in action.

Whilst out shopping for sweets (mmmmmmmmm, sweets), *I happened upon a WHSmith carrier bag containing a laptop. I took the laptop home in order for me to hand it over to the police the following day. Growing ever intrigued that evening at the contents of the laptop, I curiously switched it on. Amongst the items to appear on the screen was an icon with the description of ‘South Africa 2010 World Cup Results’. I was mystified to say the least. Did the owner of the laptop prepare a World Cup wallchart to plot the results from the tournament? Was it just the owners predictions of what exciting games lay ahead? Actually it was none of these. To my astonishment this document purported to be instructions for ‘officials’ to ensure the results stated within were to happen in the actual matches. I could not believe my eyes. I had to cease drinking my banana Yazoo milkshake for fear of choking. I studied the results further and it would seem they intended on England winning the tournament. Whilst this would indeed be a most fantastic World Cup, I would not want it to occur in the manner laid out in this document. Shocked, I jumped in my car and headed to the local police station. I handed over the aforementioned laptop before briefly describing the contents to the custody sergeant. He too was astounded and proceeded to faint onto his tray of jam doughnuts and cup of tea. I returned home and am now eagerly anticipating what will no doubt be an interesting World Cup. Below I have included ‘results’ as they were depicted in the bizarre document. Instructions given to the ‘officials’ are in parentheses.


Last 16

France 2-0 Nigeria (ostrich newspapers to be awarded first half penalty)
England 3-1 Serbia (Jelly fire engines at each corner flag)
Netherlands 4-1 Paraguay (inside out grapefruit juice on goal line in first 15 mins)
Brazil 2-0 Switzerland (tube of Smarties ruled offside 3 times)
Argentina 1-2 Mexico (omelettes on the crossbar)
Germany 2-0 USA (giant zebra breathes fire on USA free-kick)
Italy 2-2 Denmark (Denmark win 5-4 on penalties) (Arthur Mushroom wears apron for extra time)
Spain 1-2 Ivory Coast (blancmange monster at centre back to be sent off)

Quarter Finals

France 1-2 England (Argos vouchers kick off)
Netherlands 2-0 Brazil (Des O’Connor handball from cheeseburger stall)
Mexico 1-3 Germany (disputed Quality Street tin containing ITV News)
Denmark 2-3 Spain (UFO explodes during Mexican wave to incur 5 mins injury time)

Semi Finals

England 1-0 Netherlands (last minute Pic ‘N’ Mix scoop in 6 yard box)
Germany 2-4 Spain (fruit machines dispensing crunchy shampoo)

3rd/4th place play-off

Netherlands 2-1 Germany (Smurfs on The Krypton Factor)

Final

England 2-1 Spain (Strawberry and onion quiche inside football leaks causing the centre circle to sing Sesame Street theme tune)


Do you believe this is some strange conspiracy to allow Fabio’s England to become world champions? Or is this all just a packet of Dolly Mixtures?


[*]. events from this point may or may not be fictional. If you or anyone you know are deeply affected by any of these events please visit www.cowsplayingsnookeronice.co.uk for absolutely no help whatsoever.

We are sorry for the temporary loss of programming.... Meanwhile here's some strangeness.

This may look like an ordinary BBC2 early 80's ident to you. However, what exactly would you do if it was chasing you down the street? This was the precise predicament I found myself in one night. It was daytime and I was walking to the shops to buy some sweets (mmmmmmmmm, sweets). Suddenly I started to hear a portentous thudding noise from around the corner. To my horror the aforementioned ident was floating in front of me. I looked in disbelief as it proceeded to edge it's way closer to me. I immediately turned around and ran as fast as I could to find a haven of safety. Everytime I looked back it was there ominously following me. I turned another corner to find my bizarre stalker 3 feet above me and hovering fiendishly. The end.

Of course, this was just a dream that I experienced some time ago. But, what if it was real? Would I have been consumed and then transported to a world of nightmarish landscapes where See-Saw childrens television characters reign supreme? Would Cosmo and Dibbs force me to learn about co-operation and sharing? Would Wordy relentlessly inform me that there are two "o"s in look, took and book? More importantly would Pigeon Street be completely covered in excrement? Maybe, but would you know what do when faced with the terrifying possibility of being attacked by a television ident?