One of the unfortunate side effects of being human, is having the capacity to fight. While some have the strength and love contained within their hearts to withstand this urge, some people cannot help but succumb to rage. Whether they fight for their religion, race, football team, nuclear weapons or Timmy Mallett, the outcome nevertheless always ends in hurt for one or both sides of the conflict. Throughout history, war has been interwoven into the fabric of society and painted the tapestry of life with crimson red too many times. However there was one war which despite the possible fatalities resulted in happiness and joy throughout the land.
The story begins in 1497. A dressing gown salesman by the name of Thomas De Montymole was travelling from his home in Surrey to what was then the small village of Brighton-On-Sea. De Montymole planned to visit several local hostelries to sell his homegrown dressing gowns. He entered a small inn on the seafront called 'The Fraggle Catchers Arms' (no use trying to find it, it was burnt down in 1709 and replaced by a fudge (mmmmmmmmm fudge) shop). He approached the innkeeper and demanded that he purchase a dozen dressing gowns. The innkeeper was highly perturbed and proceeded to escort De Montymole from the premises. De Montymole was equally perturbed and set abot arranging what he called a 'revengeful attack on dressing gown disbelieving folk'. De Montymole obtained a loan of £1700 to set up a dressing gown shop opposite the 'The Fraggle Catchers Arms'. After 6 months the shop had opened for business. From the vantage point of his shops upstairs stock room window De Montymole would launch dressing gowns over the roof of the opposite inn and into the garden and hitting unwitting drinkers. The first 'victim' was a local website designer by the name of Frederick Opalfruit, who spilt his pewter tankard of ale over his laptop. Twenty minutes later and the next dressing gown was fired. As planned this flew over the rooftop and was heading for the bench located in the north-east corner. There was sat a local songwriter, Edward Gameshow. Gameshow had just been presented with a potato he ordered as a snack by the barmaid. As Gameshow picked up the potato for his first bite the aforementioned dressing gown knocked the potato out of his hand and sent it crashing to the floor. On inspecting the damage, Gameshow noticed that the potato had been cut into twelve 'strips'. As he was still hungry he proceeded to eat the 'strips' and noticed that they tasted gorgeous. What had happened was a packet of vinegar in one pocket and salt in the other pocket of the dressing gown had exploded on impact with the potato and had 'flavoured' the snack. Gameshow went immediately into the inn and demanded to know what had happened. The innkeeper proceeded to explain the feud with De Montymole and was angry at suggestions he instigated this 'war'. Gameeshow left the inn and crossed the street to the dressing gown shop to confront De Montymole. Gameshow was impressed with De Montymole's establishment and reasons behind the conflict but was equally taken with the wonderful inn he often frequented. Gameshow showed de Montymole what had happened to his potato snack and De Montymole struck upon the idea to mass produce what he called 'Dressing Gown Potato Strips'. Fortunately this name didn't stick and De Montymole and Gameshow opened the first 'Potato Chip Snack Bar' in place of the dressing gown shop 12 months later. Subsequently it did a roaring trade as patrons of the inn who had finished their days drinking left and proceeded across the street to order their snacks. Thus was born what has become a tradition of eating 'fast food' after considerable alcohol consumption.
Now Be Thankful.
If you or someone that you know has been involved in a conflict involving a snack and a comfortable item of clothing please contact www.garlicslippersinmysocks.org for information that does not make sense.
