There's a star destroyer waiting in the sky...

In space no one can eat ice-cream...

Science fiction is possibly the greatest literary and filmic invention since giraffe musicals. There have been a plethora of sci-fi franchises that have generated millions upon millions for the film industry (Star Wars, Alien, Terminator and Robot Teapot Salesman). These wonderous stories enable the viewer to escape the humdrum of daily life and immerse themselves in the realms of fantasy. The storytellers that allow their brains to conceive these ideas have been claimed as icons by the fans. These fans often devote themselves to their favourite sci-fi franchise and believe they are in fact an integral cog in the worlds in which their characters exist. Merchandise is also produced to tie-in with the films and can reap huge amounts of extra income for the producers and/or rights owners. T-shirts, coffee mugs, toys and chicken typewriters have all been proved to be huge sellers in fandom.

One line of sci-fi merchandise has proven to be so succesful that most genres have picked up on the idea and adapted it to suit their own market of teenagers that are gullible and prone to a myriad number of strops.

Star Wars, probably the leading contender for amount of income generated through merchandise produced the most innovative and durable toys of this and many generations. Upon release of the DVD box set of the original trilogy (A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi) George Lucas* stumbled upon an amazing idea. Whilst surveying the copious amount of unused footage he came upon a scene that was to prove integral to the trilogy's climactic Battle Of Endor. Lucas had originally filmed a scene in which Han Solo and Chewbacca opened a marshmallow (mmmmmmmmm marshmallow) business on the Death Star to confuse the Emperor who was unaware of the strict Fluffy Pillow Like Sweet Law 109BY (BY =Before the Battle of Yavin)in place at that time that had never been repealed. Suffice to say Lucas made an absolute mint on Star Wars marshmallows that he licenced to various droids within the Eastbourne area.
Thus was born the era of heavy film merchandising. I hope you too can learn from this and eat more marshmallows.

*George Lucas is in no way connected to this blog. Boba Fett was but due to a severe bout of couscous he is currently unwell.


If you wish to purchase marsmallow online please visit your nearest branch of Halfords

We're all going on a strange holiday

Holidays can sometimes evoke wonderful memories in the minds of adults. Reflecting on hazy summer days spent building sandcastles, paddling in the sea, eating ice-cream (mmmmmmmmm, ice-cream) or contemplating the clockwork mechanism that propels Jim Bowen and his special prize speedboat. Such memories can often be warped through the rose-tinted spectacles of nostalgia. This can lead to disappointment when revisiting locations frequented as a child.

A couple of years ago I decided to partake in this look back in time and visit a place I often went to on holiday, Havenby-on-Sea*. Havenby-on-Sea was located exactly halfway between Hayling Island and the Isle Of Wight. It was advertised as pretty, tranquil village that became a bustling mecca of family holidaymakers during the summer months. Golden beaches of what seemed to be neverending miles of sandcastle building potential and relaxing nightlife where families could enjoy Bingo, amusements, holiday souvenir shops and frozen safari animals soaked in Corona Cherryade. All of this was wonderful when experienced as a young child in the 1980's. However times change and nothing ever stays the same. Upon driving into Havenby-on-Sea I was immediately drawn to the dilapidated beach-huts that bookended the small pleasure park on the seafront. These were once a multi-coloured row of daytime dwellings for sun-seeking families who frequented the beach and pleasure park. In the present they had become a symbol for 'Broken Britain', unkempt, vacant and vandalised. An almost uncanny resemblance to this once proud nation. The pleasure park was just a collection of small carriage rides and a bumper car arena that had obviously seen better days. As I carried on driving into the village I saw closed down pubs, grime ridden fish and chip shops and caravan parks that almost resembled the aftermath of a Destruction Derby. It was a sad day and I have to admit I shed a tear upon passing the sign that said 'You Are Now Leaving Havenby-on-Sea'. As I stopped the car to afford myself one last glimpse of the village something strange began to happen. The ground beneath me began to shudder and shake. An almighty roar emanated from the road that sounded like a rift in time had opened up. The road and surrounding grassy areas proceeded to crack and the earth began to shake more violently. The village of Haveby-on-Sea was immediately covered in a thin mist and then ripped itself apart from its surroundings. The village turned 9 times and then floated dreamlike off into the sea where it stopped for a brief moment as if to preserve what energy it had left, and then shot faster than the speed of light straight into the sky. I was astounded at this apparent miraculous event. It transpires that I witnessed a Seismic-vacational-perma-vacational Movement. This occurs when places visited as a child on holiday, that now have fallen into various states of neglect decide they've had enough and relocate to a better place. In this place they are exactly how you remember them to be in what was their heyday.
If you ever decide to visit an old childhood holiday haunt and it's not what it once was, remember that it may just be waiting to move someplace where it can relive former glories. In your mind.

*Havenby-on-Sea is a pseudonym used to protect the identity of the real Havenby-on-Sea.
If you have experienced anything you have read in this story please contact The Orangeade Monkey Lifeguard Association for free tickets.

Saturday Morning's Alright For Kids TV (well it used to be anyway)

A long time ago in a galaxy which is exactly where it is now................


We all know that children's television programmes are not what they used to be. The days when we all used to be entertained by Rainbow, Wacaday, You And Me, No.73 etc etc are long gone. Children of the present are more likely to be found watching televisual feasts such as iCarly, Handy Manny, Tracy Beaker and Ben The Chavmaster's Adventures Outside The Realm Of His Dilapidated Block Of Flats.
Saturday mornings used to be a haven of entertainment that allowed us to escape from the educational montage of weekday dreariness. These shows transfixed our eyes and minds and were fun with minimal violence (which when seen, was depicted in a cartoonish fashion, which is ok!)
Back in 1985 primary school teachers Ronald Bunt and Jackie Whemp had a fantastic idea for a kids tv show. It was a quiz based on the centuries old Top 40 Singles Chart. The basic premise was simple beyond belief. It involved 2 teams of 4 children (ages 9-14) answering questions on the 'pop charts' in various Central African dialects whilst using their feet to construct 8 feet tall prisms (made from varying sizes of perspex) to depict different battles of the English Civil War. The winning teams were rewarded with prizes such as the latest home computer, televisions, VHS players, Wimpy vouchers or Opal Fruits (mmmmmmmmm Opal Fruits, made to make your mouth water no less). Despite this idea being straightforward and easy to understand for children, no TV company wanted to run with it. London Weekend Television were the last to be contacted and head of children's programming Linda Marzipan-Smith seemed keen. Negotiations took place between all parties and the idea was later used to create what became known as 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. For varying reasons ITV has now become a bastion of drab reality shows.
This has been a sad decline, but maybe one day some 'rebel scum' will take it upon themselves to make kids TV great again and let it soar up above the streets and houses where the Rainbow is flying high.



* If you are deeply distressed at the state of modern kids TV and would like to complain vigorously about it, please write to: Monsieur Tambu Divumba
Zambian Regional Weekend Childrens TV
Degrassi Street
Lusaka
Zambia
PO Box 909